The Sensitive Guy
revision 2:I warned her she was growing much too fondof him--the man was there to date her daughter.It's not like that, she says. No, it was sweeter:his soulful conversation style, his mind,his...
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Hi,I really like the idea behind this. Sonnets work really well I think as a way exploring relationships in a pithy and amusing way.The weaknesses are ones of detail and the other posts make some good...
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Thanks, everyone, for the detailed crits and suggestions! I'm not going to have much poetry time today, so revisions will not be immediate, but I appreciate your input very much.Maryann
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Maryann...I enjoyed this... interesting sonnet fare.love the coupletIt's not nice to fool a mother's nature, eh? L7 is uneccessarily off-meter... and it has another "cook" kinda close to the...
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Hello...That was a great ending... it grabs you. I like the rhyming couplet, as well as the impact it has. I think lines 6-7 could be arranged to flow better. I admire the daughter's strength! Very...
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Thanks, Sue; revision posted now, and I've removed a "cook." About the rhymes, maybe this is too subtle, but I'm trying to use slant during the part of the story where the mother is not yet seeing the...
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getting there...I'm fine with the rhymes... interesting intent.It's the meter in this line that's still bugging me:better than she could, and they'd work and talk.easy fix just leave "and" out...with...
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Owl, thanks!Sue, I'm scanning that line like so:BETtter than SHE could, [and] they'd WORK and TALKwhere and is promoted.I'd like to deal better with that drink name; I'm going to have to ask for help...
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Ummm... Maryann...I drink liquor straight when I drink at all, I'm afraid.Quincy
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An interesting subject and the sad thing is, very plausible. I can envision the mother, once again, shaking her head, and still wishing somewhere there was poetry, cooking, AND truth. I thought the...
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Maryann, sorry for seeming ignorant - I've been distracted by the flood of recent sonnets!Your revision is very good. That's about all I can say, really. It works fine, for me. My sister's ex (years...
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The tough part will be the "fizz" part of the drink. There is the whisky fizz and the vodka fizz, I suppose. I'd really try to push the "metrosexual" element of the guy and use a more "sissy" drink,...
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sloe gin fizz would fit the meter --it's not something guy's drink much nowaday, though.
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Thanks to all, Quincy, Son, Yol, Owl & Mike. This gives me several candidates for the drink. I'm weighing the ending, though I lean toward the revision as clearer and a better match for the...
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Dear Maryann,For whatever it's worth from a newcomer, I like the last line of the original better. Not only does the meter seem to flow better, but the sentence structure has more of an impact. The...
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Maryann, This is a strong sonnet, and a good revision. If you were to go back to the original couplet, have you considered something like:Now he talks to his Campari fizz.Her daughter's heart's not...
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Thanks, Katina and Eloise, for your thoughts. I'll definitely take the Campari suggestion. Revision will be posted shortly.Maryann
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What about 'he now confides in his Campari fizz'?emotes is a little off.Eloise[My Blog
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I'll take it! Gee, it even alliterates.(This is what happens when you try to do revisions in the middle of work.)Maryann
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In response to some comments elsewhere, I'm trying a few more variations. Opinions are very welcome.Maryann
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